I see, feel, hear, and taste the presence of his work in my life.
I'm trying be more vigilant in both recognizing and being grateful for that presence.
I believe gratitude is something that we have to cultivate in our lives, that it does not come naturally to most.
I believe it is simply human nature most times to see the things we need, or want, over what we already have in abundance. I'm trying to change my heart and my mind, in part, by being intentionally grateful.
I am a truly blessed woman and I do feel that to the depths of my soul, however, the most recent thing God's brought into my life was a man *rolls eyes then ducks in fear of lightening*and I have not been all that grateful for it.
Good lord do I have BAD history with men.
It's so hard sometimes because we can get so raveled up in our history and the hard lessons life has taught us. I believe God has better lessons to teach though and I believe if I can tune into those, and away from the negative voices in my head, I'll be stronger and more capable than I've ever been before in my life.
I've gotten so many negative messages and had so many soul crushing experiences with romantic relationships that I was seriously through. I had this plan for my new life to live it alone, managing and controlling any romantic encounters with walls and intentional distance.
This sadly does not seem to have been God's plan.
He's brought into my life a man who I recognize. I've seen him in my visions since I was probably three years old and that scares the living hell out of me. I don't know why God allows you to be broken so totally only to turn around and heal you. I could go on some long metaphorical tangent about creating masterpieces, but the fact is, at the end of the day... life fucks us over sometimes and we get bruised, battered, and downright damaged to our souls.
However, I believe in God's healing grace. I've experienced it personally and I've seen it in the lives of those around me and here I am once again staring it in the face and I'm waffling about whether or not to accept it. How's that for crazy?
This man has been in my life for several months now and I've spent most of it afraid of him. Afraid he'll hurt me, run away just when I start to trust, play me for a fool... you know, the usual girl fears, but today I'm trying to take one more step closer to the life God has planned for me and acceptance of the place and purpose this man has in my life.
I've doubted him.
I've tried to run away from him.
I've discounted his words, in essence calling him a liar.
I've hurt him.
And for these things and so many others, I'm profoundly sorry.
I can't take those things back, but what I can do is go forward from this day with greater integrity in this relationship. I'm never going to be an easy person to be shackled to, but there are things I can change that will, I hope, show both this man and the God who sent him to me, how very grateful I am for his presence in my life.
Part of my pushing him away is because I've seen the freak show I am and I can't willingly push that on anyone! However, as I've been told often over these past few months, who am I to rob this man of his destiny? If I want to fuck my own future, well I suppose that's my business, but truth is, despite how I try to cling to the idea like the lone life preserver on Titanic, we are not islands and if I throw away my destiny, I throw away his as well.
Not to mention the destiny and amazing futures of the people I'm closest to whose lives are interwoven with me in other ways non romantic.
I can't do that.
I can't decide for the people around me whether or not they will embrace what's being offered here, but if I don't offer it, and offer it fully, then I have in truth chosen for them by not giving them the choice at all.
I see an amazing future ahead of me, hard at times, yes, but overall I see a future of love and enlightenment, of travel and passion, of wisdom and teaching, of giving and receiving. It's a beautiful life and I'm going to do whatever I have to to get it, not only for me, but for those around me.
So walls are coming down.
Doesn't matter how hard it is.
I had a vision a couple of months ago where I was standing naked in a courtyard full of people and I was being adored and cheered and I knew in that moment it was about my writing and it scared the hell out of me to ever really get that vulnerable. Yet, I know I have to strip naked, here in my blogs and in the novels I write, if I ever hope to reach the level of success I'm intended for. Only when I achieve calm in my nakedness, will my beauty truly shine and things truly start to shift for me.
However, what I have recently come to realize is that this man is here for me in this stripping process. This man is here as my protection and my safe place. This man is here for me to strip in front of first. Once I have been able to give myself that much to him, once I'm naked in front of him... then I can walk out there into that courtyard and be strong and beautiful because he will have given me that.
What this effectively means for me, is that I have to work on baring my soul in a very serious way to this man. I will have to be vulnerable to a depth I never in my life have been. I have to trust him, but more I have to trust God, because I know this is my next step in my evolution and if it blows up in my face, well then there will have been a purpose for it and I'll figure that out.
Meanwhile, I am giving myself over to this thing I'm being asked and I'm trusting... and stripping... here goes everything. ;-)
On day three of twenty one, I accept God's incredible blessings over my life. I know I will see an explosion of God's goodness, a sudden widespread increase. I will experience the surpassing greatness of God's favor. It will elevate me to a level higher than I ever dreamed of. Explosive blessings are coming my way and for all of that I say with an extremely grateful heart... thank you.
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